Mind if I sit here?

Yes.

Why?

You asked me if I minded if you sat there. I told you I did. Now, you ask me why. Does my reason have to be acceptable by you? Maybe I just heard of a death in my family.

There was a recent death in your family? I’m sorry to hear it.

No, I have a reason that I would rather not share with you. You know, if you just sat down there, I would have said nothing.

Really. You want me to move?

No, you don’t have to move.
So, you don’t mind.

Yes, I do mind because I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

So, that’s your reason.

No. Listen, just don’t talk to me anymore and it will fine.

Okay.

Silence.

How long do you plan to sit on this bench?

Now, you’re talking to me.

Yes.

Well, I don’t know. It’s a very nice bench. The sun is not too hot. I don’t see any other benches around.

Silence.

I sit here every day. At this time.

Sit as long as you like. I won’t bother you.

But I feel obligated to talk to you now that you’re here.

Don’t.

Now, who is being rude?

I’m just reading my book. What? Do you think I’m a spy or something? That I’m waiting for a drug deal? I’m just sitting here reading my book, lady.

Well, you don’t have to shout. Go ahead. Read your book. But you might be good company, you know.

Fine. I’m sorry I raised my voice. Thanks for letting me share your bench.

Silence.

It’s not MY bench.

I know.

Silence.

Do you think it will rain?

Now, that is a conversation starter, isn’t it? I thought you didn’t want to talk?

I didn’t bring an umbrella.

I can see that.

I usually do. Just in case.

Hm. That’s wise.

You never can tell this time of year.

I suppose not.

Silence.

You’re not much of a conversationalist, are you?

Actually, I’m a great conversationalist. You said you didn’t WANT to converse.

Silence.

Do you have any pets?

No.

I have two cats.

Two, you say?

Yes, they keep each other company. Bitsy and Rhubarb are great pals.

That’s nice.

Do you think those are strange names?

No.

Some people do.

Not me.

Silence.

What is the name of your book?

It’s called I’ve Read the Same Paragraph Seven Times.

Ah, you have a sense of humor.

Don’t we all?

I never try to be humorous. I do appreciate it though.

That’s nice. Lady, are you trying to make make me leave?

No, it’s fine. You reading your book. Me, just sitting here like I usually do.

Silence.
That cloud looks menacing.

Silence.

The birds know when it’s going to rain.

Do they? Maybe they read the weather report.

Ah, there’s that sense of humor again.

The weather report said nothing about rain.

They’re not always right.

No, and they never apologize if they are wrong about yesterday. They just go on predicting.

I suppose it’s not an exact science.

No, I guess not.

Silence.

I can see the title now. Atlas Shrugged. Is it good?

No, not really. It’s famous but it’s long and I’m giving it one more chapter. It’s not a page turner. Atlas hasn’t shown up, yet.

Maybe it’s a metaphor. Like Atlas is holding up the world and he shrugs for some reason.

Maybe he read this book. I’m ready to shrug about now.

Good thing you aren’t holding up the world, then.

Now, that is funny.

Really? How?

You took the metaphor and applied it to me. I’m really AM done with this book. My lunch hour is over, too.

Will you be back tomorrow?

I heard Blyg was talking slap about me. Just because I adopted some of your jingo.

I was assigned to monitor your TV. I was in big trouble because I was not getting it.

There was network. There was cable. There was podcasts. There was streaming. There was CNN, NBC, CBS, FOX, MSNBC, and there was more. And more. It was 24/7. It was LIVE. It was Breaking News. It was weather. It was sports. It was news. It was real. It was fake.

I watched a weather channel. It was weather all day, all night, all over. There was a pregnant lady weatherperson. She blocked out your whole east coast when she turned sideways. Lady! Get off your feet and take a break.

The best part was about this Trump guy. He was a monster. He was going to be arrested. I kept waiting for this orange jumping suit. He was crazy. I kept waiting for this white coat with long sleeves. I was watching every night.

But now he’s gone. Story over.

We should run somebody from our mother ship for your president.

That’s right. Mother Ship! We got one. We’re hiding it. I can’t tell you where. But it’s there all right.

Well, I’m being reassigned to another planet. I haven’t checked it out yet. I’ll be in charge of monitoring Mars, as you call it. A whole planet!

Well, bye, Xthyg

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I want to correct a few things. We are tall and thin. We tried projecting ourselves but it came out like we are shorter than you. We’re not. We come from a planet with less gravity, so we are thin and tall. Stately, even. Anyway, we don’t like your gravity and don’t like to walk around on your planet. The atmosphere dries out our skin, too. That’s why we stay in our ships.

We’re not supposed to contact you but, of course, some of us have to bend the rules. There was some kidnapping and probing but it was not authorized. Sorry. There were reprimands and demotions.

Yes, we can make ships that fly real fast but that’s about it for advanced technology. We can’t really share it with you because you don’t have the right materials on your planet to duplicate it. And you go fast enough, really.

We just observe. That’s all we are allowed to do. It’s pretty boring, really. You know what really got us going? Paper towels. We never thought of it! We have a statue of your Guy in the Flannel Shirt on our planet now. And Wet Wipes are standard issue now. Another gem. Chip clips. I could go on. We want to pay you back but we got nothing. Cures for diseases? We forgot them a long time ago. We had something like cancer but we got rid of it with DNA manipulation. That opened a sack of worms, let me inform you. Was it worth it? We got bones that can snap like a pencil now.

This is not an official communication. I just wanted to get a few things off my thorax.

Another thing, did you make English hard just to annoy us? I’m assigned to English language. Thanks a sockfull! It is an enormous headache. The spelling! I won’t go into that. And finish your dam sayings! We puzzled over: “you can lead a horse to water” forever until we found out there was more to it. I mean, what the dickens?

Whenever it gets on me, I think “paper towels, paper towels, paper towels”.

And we don’t like your food. Ever hear aliens stole our food! Won’t happen. Except for popping boba. And we can’t duplicate it either!

We brought back swearing and sarcasm to our planet. They asked us what good is it? It makes you feel good when you’re assigned to a stupid planet for a really long time said Xthyg. Oops, demotion time. Like I care, he retorted.

Well, I’m saying too much. A river in Derche,
Blyg