Alaska

Alaska is our 51st or 52nd state. I’m not sure which. It was taken from the Russians when they weren’t looking in 1492. Anyway, you can’t get there from here. Well, that’s not quite true.

My friend Joe wanted to drive there. He looked at the map and saw Canada inbetween. He called this Canada place and asked if he could go through it. They said yes. Now he should have got this in writing because when he tried to go through this Canada place, the border guard said no. It turns out Canada has given these guys the last word on this. Joe complained that he was told something different when he called Canada on the phone. Tough tomatoes said the guard in his splendid uniform. You and Canada are not to be.

 

It was sad but true. Joe had this master plan to drive through Canada with a SUV he bought and sell it in Alaska. Now he was stuck in Seattle Wash with this large, black machine. Did he give up? No.

 

He checked and found that a barge could take the vehicle but not him to Alaska. He paid a steep price for this and flew to Alaska to await his machine. It arrived and off he went to explore The Land Up Under as Alaska is called by the natives. He went to Homer. He went to Fairbanks. He drove up and down the state. The sun stayed up all night as it was summer. The night lasts just two hours in June. That is not enough time to see the Northern Lights or the Aroarra Boringalice, as the natives call them. He did not see them.

 

His friend, me, heard of his adventures in the Canada Wilderbeast. He was inspired and aghast. Rather, he was aghast and then inspired. If Joe can’t do it, so can’t I, he said. So, he avoided Canada, The Land Inbetween, and flew to Alaska. He also traversed the Lost Continent of Alaska. From Fairbanks to Anchorage on dogsled and kayak. Filled with both vim and vigor, he returned to his native state of Inertia or Michigan as the natives call it.

 

Several things were learned by he. If an Alaskan does not like a sign, he will shoot that sign with a gun. The population is low so it seems like most everybody left town for the weekend or something. The Northern Lights are closed in the summer and only open in the Winter! The nerve, I say.

 

There are several types of bears in Alaska. There are the ones that may eat you and the other ones. I was unable to distinguish between the two myself and learned the best thing to do is to play dead. If the bear is a light brown color and slobbering a lot, it really doesn’t matter what you do. You can call it names, slap it on the nose, spray a spray that should drive it away. It really doesn’t matter. I did not encounter one of these so you are reading this account now.

 

One more thing, sometimes the bear also plays dead next to you and waits a few hours to see if you return to life. This can ruin your nerves. Some visitors to Alaska have been reported to have a continued look of surprise and fear etched in their visage, forever marking them as one who faced a grizzly bear and lived to tattle the tale.

 

My friend Joe did not sell his car as hoped. He left it there. But a friend brought it back to him in the land of Michigan. He is talking of going to Canada as soon as they agree to let him in.

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